Now in the process of recovering from peritonitis emergency surgery performed last month, I find that I am struggling with the basic social conventions about relaying how I feel. That is, when context allows for some elaboration on the answer.
These days, every time an acquaintance asks me how am I doing, I tend to find the hard way that the ‘Overton window’ of permissible answers is totally asymmetrical, markedly tilted towards mandatory positivity. Be it a close or a distant relationship, the person asking the questions almost invariably frowns when I actually try to update them on the –very real– deep frustration I feel seeing my lifestyle so markedly compromised for the remainder of 2024 –with new and hopefully final surgery due to be scheduled in early 2025–.
“It could be far worse”, “clearly getting better”, “it is now in the past”, etc. You can almost hear them begging you to say those words. Without deviation. And I take issue with that. Such attitude –albeit all too common– negates a conversational partner’s right to own up to reality and manage their mental state like a fully autonomous grown up adult. That is to say, as they see fit.
It is as if most people have really bought into the idea that expressing negative thoughts on one’s own mental state were somehow a dangerous taboo. One that could actually trigger and bring about negative actual future consequences on a person’s own health. Yes, we have been immersed in this pro-positivity wave for a while now, and no one should be surprised to acknowledge that fact. But, my question goes, when did we begin being so religiously zealous about it?
Like most other, I feel we should fight such particular pressure to conform. That faux empathy filled, softness-cum-condescension listening mode. If someone feels bad about some objective recent development in their life, he or she should not feel afraid to say so candidly. That –not scripting the person you have in front of you– is the premise of being a good listener, something in my view we all ought to aspire to be.
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